RECAP: The Amazing Race - "They Don't Call It The Amazing Race For Nothin!"

The Amazing Race is back, which means we're in for another season of obnoxious Americanism, astounding stupidity, and (hopefully) entertaining challenges that will leave some teams in tears. All in all, last week's episode (yes, I know I'm a week late, give me a break; I'm lazy) was pretty good, although there really aren't any stand-out teams so far. There are a few teams that I like, but I'd be surprised if any of them actually won. Keep reading for the list of teams and a quick recap of the episode.

The teams this season are:

Jill and Thomas - Dating Couple. Their relationship already seems strained, as Thomas clearly thinks he is way better than Jill, as he has a university degree (I can't remember from where, but I believe it's a pretty good school) and she is a hairstylist. After watching them for 30 seconds, I predicted that they'd be the new Jonathan and Victoria.

Nat and Kat - Doctors. These two have a great energy to them, but it'll be interesting to see whether or not Nat's diabetes becomes an issue on the Race.

Connor and Jonathan - Ivy League A Capella Singers. These two have already been established as the nerdy team this season, as Jonathan (I think) looks like Harry Potter and they both run around singing non-stop.

Brook and Claire - Home Shopping Hosts. They seem nice, but Brook shows a fantastic inability to shut the fuck up. It's nice that she's being so encouraging to her teammate, but god her voice got annoying after 5 seconds.

Katie and Rachel - Beach Volleyball Partners. These two are hot, and their entire promo had them running around in bikinis. If nothing else, I'd like them to stick around as eye candy for a while.

Gary and Mallory - Father/Daughter. Mallory is a former Miss Kentucky, so she's hot as hell, and her accent is adorable. Although past teams with a beauty queen have been terrible, Mallory has a fantastic energy, so this team should be great to watch.

Michael and Kevin - Father/Son. Kevin is a YouTube celebrity known as KevJumba. His father Michael is a Chinese immigrant, and their interactions are hilarious. This team is my pick to win the whole thing (even though I'm pretty sure they don't have a chance; they're just the most entertaining team on the Race).

Chad and Stephanie - Newly Dating. They just bought a house together, and Chad plans to ask Stephanie to marry him on the Race. I can't wait until the pressures of the Race destroy their relationship.

Andie and Jenna - Birth Mother/Daughter. Andie gave Jenna up for adoption when she was born, and apparently their time on the Race is only the third time they've ever met, so it'll be interesting to see whether or not they'll work well together.

Nick and Vicki - Dating Couple. Covered in tattoos, this team is one of the dumbest pairs I've ever seen on the Race, but dumb teams have gone far before (looking at you, Adam and Rebecca), so we'll have to wait and see where they end up.

Ron and Tony - Best Friends. One of them is big, fat, and clearly gay, and the other loves his sleeveless tees way too much.

The episode started near Boston, Massachusetts, and teams had to make it to the airport and fly to England on one of two flights (the first flight arrived half an hour before the second one). The teams then had to find their way to Stonehenge, where they would have to solve a riddle ("the opposite of Nor'easter") to figure out that they needed to go to Eastnor Castle.

Half of the teams got completely lost on the way to Stonehenge, and Ron and Tony ended up driving something like 45 minutes in the wrong direction after missing a turnoff (a mistake they never recovered from).

At Eastnor Castle, the teams had to climb a ladder while locals threw shitty water at them, retrieve a medieval flag from the battlements, then use a tiny boat called a coracle to cross a moat and bring the flag to a knight. The coracles gave everyone trouble, and Chad quickly resorted to screaming at Stephanie every time they sunk. Michael and Kevin were hilarious in their attempts to get going, but once they were on their way it was kind of touching, with Kevin whispering encouragement to his father as they crossed the moat. Vicki and Nick were way behind after getting lost, and then couldn't find the medieval flag they were supposed to take because neither of them knew what a "battlement" was (they kept asking the various peasants if any of them was a battlement...good lord). At one point Nick actually walked up to a flag, spread it out and stared at it, then apparently decided that the flag wasn't a flag and went to ask another peasant if he was a battlement. After that, they couldn't find their boats, even though their cameraman kept zooming in on the pile of boats directly behind them. Nick mused that perhaps they were the boat...just wow.

After giving their flag to the knight, one team member had to ride with the knight across the field, where they had to use a giant slingshot to launch watermelons at a suit of armor until they knocked it over, then get a clue from a nearby jester. In a moment that had been widely seen on the internet prior to the airing of the episode, Claire launched her watermelon, and somehow it spun back around and smashed her right in the goddamn face. It was the most incredible thing I've ever seen, and I'll never get tired of that clip.

The Pit Stop was across a stream from the challenge, but somehow Chad and Stephanie couldn't figure that out, and they cost themselves a couple of spots by walking all around the castle trying to find it. Fortunately for them, some other teams were still quite far behind.

As soon as I saw the boat challenge, I knew that there was no way in hell that Ron and Tony would ever be able to do it. Ron has to way at least 250 (probably closer to 300), while Tony can't be more than 180, so it would be damn near impossible for them to get the balance right and hold it long enough to cross the moat. We never actually saw whether or not they were able to do it; by the time they reached the boats, everyone else had checked in. I imagine they just skipped the last challenge altogether, as there was no point in doing it since they were just going to be eliminated.

And so the season began. I really want Michael and Kevin to win it all, but Michael is pretty old, so I imagine he'll have a hard time with some of the more physical challenges in the game. Barring them winning, I'll be happy with either Greg and Mallory or Nat and Kat. Both of the couples are obnoxious, and I cannot stand the home shopping hosts.

I'll try to be quicker with this week's episode (airing tomorrow), but as usual it'll depend on how lazy I'm feeling.