RECAP: The Amazing Race: "They Don't Even Understand Their Own Language"

Well, this recap is 3 days late, but between moving and starting a new job, I haven't had much time for blogging. Hopefully now that things have settled down a bit I can get back to posting on a regular basis (I've got quite a bit of Internet Goodness for you all, which will start to appear over the next few days). I was wrong about this week being the finale of The Amazing Race (which is a pretty big screwup for someone who professes to blog about TV, so I apologize). Next week is the last episode; I'm not sure if they're going to do a 2-hour finale this year or not (I know, I'm a veritable wellspring of useful information). This week's episode had its moments, from hilarious interactions with locals to meltdowns from two different teams, but for some reason it still doesn't feel like the Race is almost over. I don't know if it's just because the season has been somewhat lame, but I'm just not as into the show as I've been in previous seasons. Hopefully the finale next week will do something to redeem this. Read on for the full recap.

Starting in Shanghai, China, teams first had to find their way to the Garden Bridge. It seemed like it would be an easy task, until we realized that apparently that's not the bridge's real name. None of the locals had any clue where the place was, and all four teams had trouble finding it (some more than others). Jet and Cord began the episode by reflecting on a serious injury that Cord had sustained a few years ago (he took a hoof to the head and fractured his skull; Jet stayed by his side throughout his recovery). It was a great story, and it really showed the strength of their relationship, but we already knew that they had a great relationship, so I felt that it lost some of its impact. Perhaps if they had told this story earlier in the Race it would have meant more. Caite, on the other hand, began the episode by explaining that she thinks that her performance in the Race will redeem her for her screw-up at the Miss America Pageant. She hasn't done anything particularly impressive during the Race, however, so I'm not sure what part is supposed to "redeem" her. Brent, meanwhile, mentioned that he'd been "worried the whole time about coming to China" because of the language barrier.

From the Garden Bridge, teams had to go to the Longhua Temple without taking a cab. Caite figured out where to go by reading a map (oooOOOOooohh), and then told us all to go screw ourselves for doubting her map-reading abilities. I'm not even going to touch that one. They took a bus, while the Cowboys took a train. Meanwhile, Dan and Jordan spent two hours trying to find the Garden Bridge, talking to numerous locals (including a man stretching his leg on a railing who inspected their clue and then asked them "Where the Garden Bridge?"), before deciding to turn back and find Michael and Louie, figuring that they could work together and then pull ahead while the Detectives were doing the Speed Bump. Four heads weren't much better than two, however, as they continued to have difficulties finding the right place (part of the problem was that they started the leg in an area filled with lush gardens, so it seemed reasonable that the Garden Bridge would be nearby, when in reality it was across town. Eventually they wised up and called the Shanghai Translation Service to get directions.

At the Longhua Temple, teams faced a Roadblock in which one person had to enter the temple and count all of the golden statues in the room. Teams had trouble with the task particularly because there were 521 small statues and then two giant gold soldiers guarding the entryway that most teams didn't bother counting. Caite took four tries (that we saw) to get the number right. As she was counting, Brent waited outside and took some time to appreciate the local culture (which was impressive; I wouldn't have expected that type of appreciation from someone like him). Jet and Cord arrived at the temple and walked literally two feet in front of Brent without seeing him, then continued to walk around for a while trying to find the clue box. It was actually pretty funny; Brent was looking right at them and could have reached out and touched them, and they completely missed him. Jet did the Roadblock and noticed the two large statues right away, getting the right number on his first try. Caite finished immediately after him, however, and the teams then had to hop on motorcycles (with one person riding in a sidecar and the other sitting behind the driver) to go to the Yuyuan Gardens.

Having finally gotten correct directions to the Garden Bridge, the Detectives and the Bros hopped in a pair of cabs and took off, with Dan and Jordan instructing their driver to follow the other cab. Of course, the driver didn't speak English (jeez, how rude of him to not speak a foreign language), so the Bros were basically yelling gibberish at him. The driver fell behind, and while Jordan was pissed, Dan threw a full blown temper tantrum in the back seat, thrashing around like an infant and eventually threatening to hit the driver. They eventually managed to catch up again, and finally arrived at the Garden Bridge, and were off to the Longhua Temple and the Roadblock.

Arriving at the Yuyuan Gardens, Brent and Caite were caught up in a huge crowd, and started bickering once again. They teamed up to bitch about the locals, however, when people dared to talk to them, with Caite eventually just telling people to leave them alone and get out of their way. Caite did a really offensive impression of the people coming up to her and trying to get her to buy things, and the viewers just shook their heads in disgust. It's impossible to be surprised by the ignorance on this show anymore; 16 seasons of this type of behaviour have taken their toll. The teams now had to do a Detour, and choose between "Pork Chops" and "Pork Dumplings." In Pork Chops, they had to go to a stamp store and search through hundreds of stamps to find ones with their names and pictures of pigs on them, while in Pork Dumplings they had to go to a restaurant, pick up 10 orders of dumplings, and then carry them through the crowded marketplace to deliver them. All teams chose Pork Chops (apparently they'd had their fill of crowds. Brent and Caite continued bickering because Brent had to pee and according to the rules of the Race, teams have to stay together at all times. Caite wouldn't leave the Detour, and Brent finally declared that "this is literally probably the worst I've ever had to go to the bathroom." Jet and Cord commented that they felt bad for Brent, while Brent refused to help Caite until she took him to the bathroom. They left, but the Cowboys took a while to complete the Detour, so the Models still finished first.

Arriving at the Longhua Temple at last, the Detectives were faced with the World's Lamest Speedbump: they had to perform a good luck ritual in which they threw coins into the smallest opening in a giant incense burner. Even with the editing, the task probably took thirty seconds at the most, thus defeating the purpose of the Speed Bump (which is to punish the team for finishing last in the previous leg). Dan finished the Roadblock before Louie, and declared himself his team's "Closer" for his ability to constantly finish challenges in the clutch (an ability I hadn't really noticed--had anyone?). Hopping in the motorcycle sidecar, he joked about Jordan having to "ride bitch."

There was a nice bit of tension in terms of who would check in first, as Brent and Caite couldn't get a cab and the Cowboys were actually the first ones to arrive at the Riverside Promenade, where they had to search for Phil. As they tried to get a cab, the Models ran into the language barrier again, and Brent got frustrated, shouting that "they don't even understand their own language," giving us both the episode title and another reason to cringe. Unfortunately, the Models found the mat and checked in first, where they were greeted by Zhang Juncai, who Phil claimed was the "world's tallest man," but who is actually probably the third tallest living person. Jet and Cord checked in shortly afterward, and declared that they wanted to get belt buckles made that said "Amazing Race Champion."

Back at the Detour, the Bros finished before the Detectives had even found one of their stamps, but then since the cab driver didn't instantaneously teleport them to the Pit Stop, Dan flipped out again, complaining that the cab driver "seems to lack any real motivation to help us"--maybe that's because you're acting like an asshole. They still checked in third, and the Detectives were eliminated.

So we have our final three: the Models, the Cowboys, and the Bros. I'm pretty sure most people are with me when I say that I really want the Cowboys to win this thing (knock on wood). They've run the most consistently strong Race, and have proven themselves time and again to be an extremely likable team. They never bicker, they're never mean or petty to any of the other teams; they're just strong all around. Dan and Jordan have made a real effort to stay positive, but they both still crack under pressure pretty easily, and Dan has made as many ignorant comments as anyone on this season. Brent and Caite are just unlikable people, and I can't imagine anyone but their friends and family cheering for them (and even those people are probably doing so under protest). I'm sure the finale will contain some stupid equalizer though (as we've seen in almost every leg this season), so it's entirely possible that it'll come down to luck in the end. Still, we can hope that the there will be some justice in the universe and that the Cowboys will win (or, if they can't, then the Bros--anyone but the Models, PLEASE!!).

Standings

1. Brent and Caite, Dating Models

2. Jet and Cord, Cowboy Brothers

3. Dan and Jordan, Brothers