RECAP: Survivor - "Young at Heart"

I have kind of a weird relationship with Survivor. On the one hand, I can't honestly say that I actually like the show. The contestants are often irritating and/or terrible, and the producers are notorious for manipulating the footage to tell whatever story they want to tell, regardless of what is actually happening (i.e. Russell Hantz being portrayed as some sort of diabolical genius when in reality he's just a bully with a terrible social game who happened to find a large number of poorly hidden Immunity Idols). However, the production values, combined with pretty consistently entertaining challenges and gorgeous locations keep me coming back. This season appears to be no different, as the contestants seem like they're probably going to piss me off quite a bit, while the challenges (if the first one is any indication) will be as exciting as ever. The full recap is after the jump.

As usual, host Jeff Probst introduced the location while standing at the edge of the ocean dramatically framed by crashing waves. This season is taking place in Nicaragua, where according to one Survivor, "there's no fences like the zoo"...sigh.

Jeff welcomed the Survivors to the beach, where they were already divided into two groups. Kelly B. immediately revealed in a confessional that she has a prosthetic leg, but said she'd be keeping it a secret for the time being. Alina, however, quickly noticed that Kelly limps when she walks, and wondered at the reason.

The Survivors were immediately sent into the nearby jungle to find the "Medallion of Power", an item that would apparently give their team a huge advantage in the game. The Medallion was apparently poorly hidden, continuing the tradition of Survivor producers hiding items in such obvious locations that a child could find them; Brenda spotted it in a tree and claimed it for her team. However, upon returning to Jeff, it was revealed that the Survivors would actually be divided according to age. The first tribe, Espada, would consist of those 40 or older, while the second tribe, La Flor, would be composed of those 30 and under. The tribes emerged as follows:

Espada - Older Team

Jimmy J.

Jill

Jane

Wendy
Tyrone

Marty

Yve

Dan

Holly

Jimmy T.

La Flor - Younger Team

Brendy

Benry

Alina

Chase

Jud

Naonka

Kelly S.

Shannon

Kelly B.

Sash

It seems that the producers went out of their way to find some of the stupidest names in history this season. Seriously, Sash? Benry? These kids must have had their asses kicked all through grade school.

Anyway, upon learning of the division of teams, Jimmy J. (former NFL coach Jimmy Johnson, who was immediately recognized by most of the other Survivors) joked that he had been looking forward to some of the young people carrying him through the game. It was amusing at first, but when he later began throwing up because he was working too hard, it became evident that he might actually need that kind of help.

Jeff didn't explain the exact meaning of the Medallion of Power, but he said it would be a huge advantage for the team holding it, and gave Brenda the option of trading it for a flint and a trunk full of fishing gear. The catch was that by taking the gear, La Flor would be giving the medallion to Espada. The younger team took the gear, and the older team got the medallion.

At the Espada camp, Jimmy J. commented on how odd it was for him not to be in charge, since he had been a coach for so many years. Holly immediately approached Wendy with an aggressive, awkward speech about being in an alliance and told her that "you have my word", while not clarifying what she was giving her word about. Wendy's accent kept coming and going; sometimes she sounded like a normal human, but then she revealed her background: apparently she's a "goat ranchah", and her husband thinks she's "gonna be the foist poisen voited awff, since she tawlks a lawt". I have no idea what this accent is; I just calls 'em like I sees 'em.

Jane was quickly able to impress her tribe by starting a fire with a pair of reading glasses (she later revealed that she had taken some of Jeff Probst's advice to heart and spent two months learning to start a fire). Her backstory is fairly depressing: she lost her husband last year, and has been having a hard time working to keep her farm.

Over at the La Flor camp, the Survivors introduced each other with high fives, and Jud quickly revealed himself to be the Comic Relief/Goddamn Idiot of the tribe, stepping on something sharp and hurting his feet and later getting stabbed in the hand by some sort of plant. Sash gave him the nickname "Fabio", and said "he's just retarded. Chase and Shannon took a walk and agreed that they should be in an alliance, since they're "the strongest, strength-wise", and my headache increased exponentially with each word they said. Shannon continued to show that he's a sexist ass, claiming that he didn't want another woman to win, and commenting on how women rule men in marriage.

When the teams received their first tree-mail, it came with a clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol (which apparently the producers are going to try to do a better job of hiding this year). Kelly B. and Alina got this clue and hid it from the rest of La Flor, which made Alina uncomfortable, as it essentially forced them to be in an alliance. Kelly B. had revealed her prosthetic leg to the rest of the tribe, and they all seemed certain that were she to make it to the end, she would win purely based on sympathy votes.

At the Immunity Challenge, the La Flor team arrived doing some sort of asinine dance, which Jeff ignored. One tribe member would have to stand on top of a tower and pour water down. Five other tribe members would use sections of gutter to guide the water into a barrel. When the barrel was full, a bag of puzzle pieces would fall and the four remaining tribe members would complete the puzzle, with the first tribe completing it winning immunity. Jeff revealed that the Medallion of Power would give the tribe holding it a huge advantage during the challenges, and that once it was used, it would transfer to the other tribe for the next challenge. At this challenge, using the Medallion would allow Espada to start with one bucket of water already in the barrel (the barrel only held 5 buckets). Espada opted not to use it, and promptly lost the challenge.

At Espada, Jimmy T. announced that Jimmy J. was trying to "hornswoggle" everyone, as Jimmy J. had previously given a speech claiming that he knew he would never win (since he's already a millionaire and everyone knows it), but stating that he wanted to help someone from his tribe win the game. Wendy knew that she was in danger, because she hadn't formed any bonds with anyone in the tribe, and at the Tribal Council, which was built out of the ruins of a church right next to a cemetery (classy, Survivor), she claimed it was because she wasn't being herself and she hadn't been talking much. She then proceeded to interrupt Jeff when he said it was time to vote and went on a long, insane rant about how she was worthy of being kept, and what a fantastic person she was. She commented on the fact that her tribe hadn't tried to get to know her, and that not one person on the tribe knew how old she was. The rest of the tribe of course immediately called bullshit, pointing out that it's considered rude to ask a woman her age, and nullifying her arguments.

Interestingly enough, many of the Espada members were on the fence about who to vote off, but Wendy's insanity made a compelling argument to get rid of her, and her rant ensured that the vote to get rid of her was unanimous.

And so the season begins. So far there's no one I like or care about, although Jimmy Johnson is pretty entertaining (I doubt he'll last more than a few episodes, despite the fact that it would certainly make sense to take him to the end, as like he said, he doesn't have a chance of winning). Shannon, Holly, and Jimmy T. are on my list of people I'd like to see get eaten by a lion, but barring that happening, here's hoping that they'll be gone soon.