Monday, August 22, 2011

Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes


Here is what I learned from Rise of the Planet of the Apes:
  • If you have a super-smart ape, make sure it only ever meets nice people or it'll flip the fuck out and lead a giant ape revolt.
  • Don't live next to James Franco and/or John Lithgow or your life will turn to shit and terrible things will always happen to you (seriously, that guy cannot catch a break).
  • Don't try to cure Alzheimer's. Or if you're going to try, don't use apes as test subjects. Use bunnies or something.
ROTPOTA is a movie about a bratty ape who flips out after seeing like three mean people and decides to up and lead a rebellion against the human race. Seriously, you guys, when are we going to learn to stop parading the shittiest human beings imaginable in front of every species with the potential to kick our asses? James Franco's dreamy and all, and John Lithgow is so lovable I wish I could bring him home and keep him in my living room to dole out advice and shout at me when I get bad grades in school, but even when you combine them into some sort of lovable dreamboat sandwich they still can't stand up to the parade of assholes that ROTPOTA throws at its simian protagonist, Caesar. I mean honestly, in addition to Franco, Lithgow, and Franco's Useless Girlfriend, Caesar's human interactions are limited to the staff of the Most Evil Ape Sanctuary on the Planet. Why Franco would choose to drop Caesar off at a facility run by William Stryker and his son, Draco Malfoy, is absolutely beyond me.

Don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed the movie. It's just that there was a LOT of Stupid that I had to put aside in order to go with the story. Every "evil" character in the film is so ridiculously over-the-top evil that it becomes hard to believe. Draco Malfoy spends his evenings drinking with his friends while tormenting the apes, William Stryker only ever does something nice when he's bribed, and Franco's boss is the Company Man Who Only Cares About the Bottom Line ("What? These apes aren't immediately making me money? KILL THEM ALL! Unless they're going to make me money, in which case I love them and want to hug them to pieces."). Am I living on the same planet as the people who wrote this movie? Do people this shitty actually exist? It's almost no wonder that the apes rebel, when this is their only experience with humanity (one of the apes' only characteristic is that his face is scarred to hell because he's spent so much time being experimented on in labs).

Caesar's motivation in the movie also gave me pause. It's all well and good to want to rise up against your tormentors, but when you think about it for a minute he's actually kind of a bitch about it. Like I said earlier, he meets like three mean people and that's enough to go bat-shit crazy, turn a bunch of other apes smart, and lead them on a violent rampage across the city. You could argue that he does this in the least violent way possible, but that's not really true, is it? Why did they have to flip every goddamn car they saw? Couldn't they just sneak out of town? They're apes, for God's sake; stay in the fucking trees instead of climbing buildings like you're recreating King Kong.

Overall, it's a fun movie with pretty awesome special effects and an iffy plotline. Hell, with the state of film these days, that should qualify it for an Oscar. I say it's worth it just to see the dude from Breaker High play an ape wrangler and to think about the fact that every time any of the cast members had a scene with Caesar, what they saw during filming was this:

Honestly, it's amazing that anyone could get through a take without breaking.

No comments:

Post a Comment