Buzz vs. The News 1: Madonna's Gym

I had initially planned to do one of these posts right after I announced the new features, but it took me a while to get to find an article that bothered me to an appropriate degree. Well, I found it. I'm going to preface this post by apologizing for the profanity it contains. This article seriously has me so goddamn angry that I can barely see straight. It's not that I disagree with the writer (although he/she writes like a goddamn 12-year-old), but the content is just plain idiotic. With that out of the way, let's get to the article.

Madonna's new Mexico City Gym has no permits

As soon as I saw the heading for this article, I knew it would piss me off. I hate Madonna. I have virtually no knowledge of her career, because for the most part I don't give a shit; I'm not interested in her music, and she's rarely relevant in the world of celebrity gossip anymore. When she does rear her head every once in a while, it's typically to reaffirm to the world that, yes, she is still a mean unlikable bitch. I'm going to go step-by-step through this article, and hopefully I won't slam my keyboard through my monitor before I'm done.

MEXICO CITY -Madonna may be touched by bureaucracy the very first time she opens a fitness club.

Seriously? That's how you're going to open this goddamn article? With a shitty play on a Madonna lyric?

The club she launched this week in Mexico City is in danger of being shut down because it lacks a security plan and a land use permit, local authorities said Wednesday.

Authorities from the singer's Hard Candy Fitness have until Friday to get a land use permit, though they will be allowed to turn in other necessary documents later, said Demetrio Sodi, the chief of the Miguel Hidalgo municipality where the gym is located.

"If they don't have a land use permit, they will not be able to operate," Sodi told the Spanish-language station Televisa.

Sodi also said the gym needs to present a certificate showing it has parking.

He said that when he was told last week that the gym would open Monday, they "didn't have any permits" but he granted a special permit for the inauguration.

Holy God, there are so many asinine things about this article I don't even know where to start. First off, the gym is named "Hard Candy Fitness". I would kick my own ass if I went to a gym with a stupid fucking name like that. Second, how in the hell did this gym even get built if they didn't have a goddamn land use permit? I'm no expert, but it seems like the premise of a land use permit would be to permit someone to use the land. How do you even build a gym without one? I can only assume that Madonna used her Powers of Celebrity to sidestep the law, as celebrities are wont to do, and this pussy of a municipality chief just bent over backwards to accommodate her requests.

Madonna was in Mexico City Monday night for the ribbon cutting and taught a class for 20 hand-picked members with music by Paul Oakenfeld, the DJ who opened her last tour.

Because clearly she's too good to mingle with the rabble, this pretentious bitch had to hand-pick the people who would get to learn how to look like this:

Seriously, she looks like a goddamn gargoyle.

Side note: why the hell does this woman get to be the spokesperson for a gym? Do you see that picture? What is going on with her arms? It's like a female Sylvester Stallone, only with less explosions and way uglier. Moving on,

Madonna said in a statement last week that she wanted to use Mexico "as a place to fine-tune our brand and then expand it to other countries and, in the long term, develop a global brand that includes the United States."

Membership at the gym costs about $159 a month. It costs $827 to join and that includes the first two months.

Are you fucking kidding me? $159 a month? And apparently a $513 start-up fee? Does that include liposuction? What could possibly be worth $159 a month? For that price Madonna herself better be everyone's personal trainer (although after seeing that picture again, I can't imagine who would ever want that). She has to be living on another planet to think those prices are appropriate, right? When I was younger, I went to a "rich people's gym" just outside Houston, TX, and that was like $80/month, and that came with a restaurant, full day spa, multiple pools, etc. I can almost guarantee you that this gym doesn't offer much more (I tried checking their website, but couldn't get past the welcome page - apparently the "Enter" button is just for decoration).

Sodi, a longtime political figure in Mexico, is the uncle of Latin Grammy winner Thalia.

WHO GIVES A SHIT?! What in the fuck does that have to do with anything?! Seriously, whoever wrote this article needs to quit their job immediately and go back to writing PR pieces for kindergarten students.