Adventures in Alcohol: Windsor Edition

I know I promised a lot of posts would be coming and that I'd be recapping a hundred different shows and reviewing movies and video games, but to be honest doing those things was overcoming the enjoyment I got from watching/playing them, so that's probably the end of that. It's possible that this might upset some of you (although I can't imagine who), so I conferred with a colleague of mine about how best to placate my readers. He said he'd take care of it:

With that out of the way, you may be asking what will happen to this blog now. I've decided to go more of a traditional route and simply use the blog as a space to post cool/funny/terrible shit that I find on the Internet, and to tell random stories of my various adventures. The blog was started to be a creative output for me, and recapping other people's work just isn't cutting it anymore.

And so, without further ado, I present the first in what will (read: might possibly) become a long and infamous series of tales: the Adventures in Alcohol.

Adventures in Alcohol: Windsor Edition

The trip to Windsor to visit my friend Tripdad (note: names have been changed to protect the parties involved; anyone who knows me, however, will likely know who everyone is, making the attempt at anonymity an exercise in futility) had been planned for months, so of course the night before I had stayed up until 2am, knowing that I had to wake up at 7:30am and drive for 3.5 hours. I'm an expert planner like that.

7:22am: I wake up 8 minutes before my alarm is set to go off. Apparently excitement > exhaustion. I fervently hope that this will remain true for the rest of the day.

7:30am: My alarm goes off because I forgot to turn it off when I got up. I scowl.

9:00am: I pick up BC Millionaire at his house and we are officially on our way. Excitement abounds.

9:02am: Gas up + energy drink.

9:30am: Coffee #1. My stomach is not going to be happy with me later.

11:30am: We arrive in Windsor and stop at a Dollarama. Somewhere along the way we decided to get some gifts for Tripdad. The gifts include a bouncy ball with an eyeball inside (that we later discovered lit up when you bounced it), a teddy bear holding a flower pot that said "I LOVE YOU", and a Hannah Montana balloon. Tripdad will love it.

11:50am: Upon getting to Tripdad's house (a fantastic spot right next to the University of Windsor's law school and half a block away from whatever river separates Windsor from Detroit--do I know my geography or what?) we dispense our gifts and move out to the balcony overlooking the street.

12:30pm: Beer #1. Always good to start early.

2:00pm: We go to lunch at a nearby pub. The Mexi-burger is delicious, as are beers #2 and 3.

4:00pm: Tour of Windsor's Law Department. There are posters advertising Windsor Law's efforts for Movember. Upon closer inspection, it becomes evident that every single one of these posters features a shirtless Tripdad with a beer and a fishing rod.

4:30pm: We return to Tripdad's house for Glass of Wine #1 and 2, as well as Scotch #1 and Coffee #2. I think my stomach tries to complain, but I ignore it. BC Millionaire makes a donation to Tripdad's Movember effort, and I promptly out-donate him and call him a jerk in my donation comment. Because I'm classy like that. Go charity!

7:00pm: After a quick shower and change of clothes, we head to The Keg for dinner. Our incredible charisma (and incredibly lucky timing) allow us to be seated immediately.

7:15pm: An apparently high-power lawyer is sitting next to us, and BC Millionaire won't stop eavesdropping. Evidently their conversation is far more stimulating than our own. The wine is delicious.

9:00pm: From dinner we head to a mid-Movember keg party. My spider-sense tells me that the night is about to take a turn, although I'm not sure in which direction.

9:30pm: Epic game(s) of Flip Cup Relay. There are at least 11 people on each team every game. I struggle to resist the urge to start yelling "FLIP, FLIP, FLIPADELPHIA!" BC Millionaire and I have the most dramatic photo finish I've ever seen in one of these games, and although we both landed our cups on the same toss, I have a big enough weiner to admit that he beat me by a split-second. Stupid bouncing cup. Beers #? through #? are consumed.

10:30pm: I spend a good 15 minutes talking to a guy who looks just like Dustin Diamond. I have to struggle not to call him Screech.

11:30pm: A guy has taken over the keg, and won't let anyone have beer unless they do a keg stand. Super eyeroll city + PSSSSSHHH CALLEGE!

12:00am: We head to a bar/dance club called The Loop (I think) to meet up with Tripdad's lady-friend for her birthday (I think). When I reach the top of the stairs and enter the club, Tripdad is standing there snapping his fingers and making a face similar to Derek Zoolander's Blue Steel. I am amused.

12:15am: A guy walks past me and sticks his hand out for a handshake, looking happy to see me. I pause, confused, then shrug and shake his hand. As we shake hands, he gives me the finger. Neat, I think, before going to take shots and dance for 2 hours.

2:30am: We leave the club, and walk to Frenchy's, a local poutine restaurant. If you hate poutine, I hate you.

2:35am: A moderately attractive girl blatantly flirts with me while her much-bigger-than-me boyfriend looms behind her. I ignore her advances, opting to not get punched in the face.

2:37am: Poutine obtained.

2:38am: Poutine finished.

3:00am: Because going home is for sissies, we head to the casino (SINO!) to play poker. BC Millionaire runs off into the casino to look at shiny things, while Tripdad and I sit down at two different tables. We notice that Tripdad's roommate and his friends (who are also visiting for the night) are in the poker room as well.

5:00am: Tripdad wins some money. A fat guy gets lucky and takes most of mine. I leave with what little money I have remaining.

5:15am: I meet back up with Tripdad and BC Millionaire, who are talking to a 92-year-old woman named Esther Wiggle. Esther has apparently been at the casino since 11:30pm the previous night, and wanted to take BC Millionaire to breakfast at the buffet. She explains that certain slot machines are only lucky at certain times, then expresses frustration that her pedometer reset itself at 5am, so she now has only 17 steps out of the 10,000 that she needs for the day. I wonder what a 92-year-old woman is doing at a casino in the middle of the night.

5:30am: We take a cab back to Tripdad's house to fall asleep. There are sleeping bodies all over the floor, but amazingly they have left the pull-out sofa bed for me and BC Millionaire. We are grateful, until we realize that the bed tilts upwards so that our feet are higher than our heads all night. We are too lazy to do anything about it, and we go to sleep.

11:15am: Awake. Head hurts.

12:00am: We go to Ferrary's, a local breakfast spot that Tripdad had drunk-dialed me about at 2:30am on the Thursday night prior to our visit. It is supposed to be incredible.

12:30am. Worst. Breakfast. Ever. The food was OK at best, and we were served cold coffee. Not warm coffee. Not even lukewarm coffee. Cold. The waitress had no idea how to be a waitress. Word to the wise: If you're ever in Windsor for breakfast, skip Ferrary's and go to the Lumberjack. It's the only meal I've ever had where the waitress told us we'd have to move to a bigger table, as the table we were sitting at was not big enough to hold all the food we'd ordered.

2:00pm: We head home. This was one of the best weekends I've had in a long time, and it was great to see Tripdad again.

And thus ends the first entry in the Adventures in Alcohol. I chose this weekend as a beginner post both because it was fresh in my mind, and because it was a relatively tame weekend. I figured I should ease you guys into these things. That said, the next time I do one of these it's likely going to be Adventures in Alcohol: Lobster Theft Edition.

Stay tuned.